been super bored at home.
with nothing else to do.
meet up's, slacks, cock-ing, laming or even some quarrels.
hubby went into army.
leaving me alone.
making so reliant on him and there he goes.
on and off, i came back to his house for a few days.
trying to feel secure.
because of his usual appearance in this house.
no matter what, it's still different.
loves, not considered strong.
my heart stray.
how much does assurance worth?
how much does the feeling of 'love' worth?
who could give me an answer?
no one. because there isn't a definite answer for that.
he might not be the first.
but, he is the second.
he gave me everything he could.
doing things which no other guys could do.
even if there are, it's different.
many points makes me not being able to leave him.
even just, physically.
he gave me the urge to hug him every single time i had my eye on him.
and, i seriously wonder why.
he has the ability to.
like how am i to him.
mom asked whether i am sure whether he is the one that are able to marry.
i told her, for now yes. future, no one knows.
i'm dreaded to know what's gonna happen to my future.
because, i believe my future won't be a good one.
khama's will come for whatever i did.
and i seriously believed that.
god gave me something, but took away more of my things.
i used to have a great family,
but, everythings a thrash.
it's not worthy.
i know what i told my mom is hurting.
my apology.
i don't mean it mom.
you're not a failure.
you're the best mom that i could ever had.
i finally felt that 10 months is not easy.
you suffer when i was in your stomach,
you wakeup in the middle of the night to change my diapers when i was born.
you worked hard when i was a toddler.
you started crying every single night when you think about me.
you started threatening saying you wish to pass on.
because of what i said and do to hurt you deeply.
i know i'm a bad daughter.
i'm trying to do something to treat you better.
it's not because i don't wana be home to chat with you.
but, i couldn't tolerate seeing 'what-the-heck-dad' i have.
a husband who treats you like that when you have done everything you could.
i'm sorry for not being able to take good care of you when you're unwell.
i'm sorry for not being capable.
i'm sorry for not being able to give you a good life.
i'm sorry for shouting at you.
i'm sorry for scolding every single bad words i know on you.
i'm sorry for making you feel insecure alone at home.
i'm sorry for letting you worry and cry everynight.
i'm really sorry mom.
if i have a chance to turn back, i would be a good daughter.
i don'tknow how much chance i still have to do it.
but, please take good care of yourself.
i'll do something about myself and give you a good life in the future.
pray hard and wait for me.
i don't want to disappoint you anymore.
you're the greatest person that i could have in this life of mine.
if i can choose, i would still want you in my life.
i know you love me.
and i do.
it's just that i don't express it.
deep in my heart, i love you more then anything else.
thanks for bringing me into your life.
if not, i'll never know that i am blissful for having a great and noble mother like you.
i love you deeply mother(L)
have the sudden urge of saying all this to my mom.
cried for everything i've done.
i'm trying to do what i can to help her.
mom, i'll let you lead a better life.
wait for me.
i'll do it for you.
mom, you're great!
